Longest day ever

Thursday was rough.  Very rough.  Friday also felt icky.  Tried to blog yesterday morning, but I couldn't stop crying, so I put it off.  I think I can do it now.

As I am writing, the 3 kids and I are at Breezy Point thanks to our friends Julie and Mark, who couldn't make it to the first 3 days of their week long time share.  The timing is perfect, and this gift is a true blessing.  Michael could not get Monday and Tuesday off so he stayed at home.  I think some time alone for him is healthy once in awhile.  We climbed the fire tower, and went swimming so far.  We are taking a dinner break right now.

We left after we got the painter set and Akila was in high spirits.  It is a 4 hour drive, and she was an angel.  She would out of the blue say "I love you mom.  I love you dad."  It was awesome, and sweet, but heartbreaking.  We arrived at the facility at about 2:30, our appt was at 3:00.  She wanted to go in so we did.  We had a tour (the guy asked her close to the end of it what she thought, and she said "Awesome!!", did some paperwork, and about 1 1/2 hours later, it was time for us to leave.

Michael said to the Admissions Director, "So we are done?"  He said yes.  Akila said to Michael, "It's OK dad, you can leave now.  I'll be OK."  I teared up, gave her a hug and a kiss, told her I loved her, choked up , waved to the Admissions guy, and left.  Michael teared up too as he said goodbye, and we left.  And we cried.  On and off the entire 4 hour drive home, and then some more.

It was horrific.  I honestly think it would have been easier for me if she were raging when we left, but I also know it would have not been better for Akila.  So I am thankful she was so good.  It was a long, horrific day. There is no other way to describe it.

The other 3 kids slept over at Dan and Tara's (Michael's brother and wife), so Friday morning was quiet.  Michael had decided to work from home, not knowing how emotional he still might be.  I woke up, tried to blog, but it was making me a mess.  I had to send an email to Akila's social worker/therapist at the RTC, cried all through writing it.  Michael and I went out for lunch.

Then at 4:30, I called Akila.  She had a super night and a great first day at the new school.  She loves her room, food was great, and school was awesome.  She is at summer camp, basically.  The social worker said the few kids who come in excited, usually lose that fairly soon, once they realize all the rules and things like that.

Akila always has a honeymoon phase when she goes somewhere new.  At the crisis home, it was about 2 weeks.  I think it will be longer here because it will take longer for her to get more comfortable.  It was good to talk to her.  Shortly after I talked to her, I picked up the other 3.  That helped me to start to come out of the fog of emotions I had been stewing in.

This morning, the kids and I got up, packed up, and headed for Breezy Point, a resort in northern MN.  It is just what we needed.  We will be here until Tuesday- it is spring break this coming week.  I so appreciate all of your prayers and support.  We definitely felt God's arms around us, and around Akila which is the most important thing to us right now.

Heading out soon

The Lord has been so gracious.  Akila is still sleeping and it is nearly 9:00.  We need to hit the road for sure by 10:00 so I will be waking her shortly.

We have a painter here today (it was a Groupon buy) and he is painting my kitchen.  I have been able to get him set up without having Akila getting super hyper and nutty about the painter being here.  She is really excited the kitchen is getting painted and wants me to send pictures- great idea!

It is a 4 hour drive, and I am not expecting any issues.  Akila is acting like she is going to camp.  I have been careful not to glorify this place, but she is excited about the adventure.  This is a true blessing, but it is also a sign of how damaged her brain is.   A typical child would be terrified.

Thanks for all of your support, will report as soon as I can how it goes.

Thanks for all the prayers

First off, thanks for the prayers, definitely felt surrounded tonight.  I figured telling Akila could go two different ways.  Kind of icky and bad, or she would be excited.  I was hoping for excited, and that is what we got.

Initially, she was a bit upset.  Her first question tore my heart out.  "Are they nice people there?"  Good question.  Then we started telling her about it, had her watch the video that is on their website, and started reading the student handbook to her.  She started to get really excited, it reminded me of when she went to the crisis home in September.

Michael and I were very calm and not emotional telling her, and she was very tuned in to our emotions.  She didn't want us to be sad, and I told her I am sad.  She said not to be sad, as she would have fun.  She got really excited about the fact that they earn a weekly allowance and have like a bank account the money is kept in.  Super excited.  She was also excited that she won't have to wear uniforms like she does to her current school.  And even more excited that they have a professional hair stylist who comes to the center to do their hair.  If only he or she did their nails too, she might have thrown a fit to go tomorrow instead of Thursday.

We talked about visits, phone calls, dress code and lots of the details.  It got her excited.  She then went running down to our family room to tell the other kids.  She told them in a bragging kind of way, and they handled it gracefully.  She was an angel the rest of the evening, and kept looking at our faces to see if we were emotional.  She felt very strongly that she does not want us to be sad or cry, and I told her that I can't stop being sad about this as I am going to miss her.

We are going to the Water Park of America after school tomorrow to have some fun family time before she leaves the next day.  My nephew works there and graciously got us free tickets.  The kids are all excited about this, as am I.

I will be up late tonight and tomorrow working non-stop to get everything ready.  We have painters coming (I bought a groupon a year ago that expires on Saturday) to paint our kitchen on Thursday morning at 8.  We are just going to leave them here to paint which I'm fine with.  But I have been peeling wall paper in this kitchen for over 7 years (no exaggeration), and it is pretty much done.  But I need to clean the walls up a bit and deal with some rough spots.  So not in the mood, but I guess I never really am!  I will look at it this way, I will get to come home from a long stressful day to a new kitchen.

Quick

Yesterday was rough.  Today has felt a little better.  But we could use prayers tonight after 7:00 pm when we tell Akila about the plans for Thursday.  Not sure how it is going to go.

Crazy mixed emotions

I got the call almost two hours ago that Wisconsin DHS has approved Akila's placement and she is scheduled to go to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on Thursday.  This phone call came just as the furnace repair man who was doing a tune-up on our furnace came upstairs.  I got off the call, talked to the furnace guy, called Michael at work and sat down at my computer to start pounding out emails.  And then I cried.

And I cried.  And I cried some more.  Eventually I went to Target so I would stop crying.  Now I am again as I am typing (one of the things I had to buy at Target was kleenex- go figure).  Maybe I can find another errand to run.

This news comes with a totally crazy mixed bag of emotions.

• Relief.  The past year has been horrific, and we are so in need of a change.  I know without a doubt that the other 3 kids need this badly.
• Profound grief.  I almost think I can say that I am more sad about this loss than the loss of my parents, which rocked my world.  I think that might be because this kind of grief has more ups and downs and twists and turns and will never end.  Not that the grief of losing a parent ever ends, but you do come to terms with it at some point.  Not sure if I ever will come to terms with this loss.
• Hope.  I believe in an awesome God and I know that He is using this pain, this loss, to exalt His name.  I know He is in this in every step, I just have to remind myself o this daily, hourly.
• Sadness.  As much as I am relieved, I am just so sad.
• Shock.  Even though I have been pushing for this for months, it still felt like a punch in the gut this morning.  Strange.  
• Excitement.  This is a hard one to admit, but I am excited for spring break, for summer.  This feels icky at the same time as good.
• Fear.  I know that an RTC placement is not what she needs.  I know she needs a group home placement.  I don't think it makes sense, and I don't look forward to the next few months and the mess that might occur.  I don't know how she will handle it.  But I know that she can't safely stay at our home any longer.  This scares the crap out of me.
• Tired.  I am so tired, even though I am getting decent sleep lately.  Just emotionally drained.  This morning for example, Akila was quite nasty.  She only hit me a few times (only), but she was just angry, and extremely mean.  She was mean to Hezekiah, who walked to the bus stop fighting back tears.
• Contentment.  As sad as I am, as grieving as I am, I know this is happening for a reason.  I know God has a plan.  I know He is wrapping his arms around all 6 of us and others who are impacted by this situation. I know that sadness and grief are a part of this awful purpose.  And I am content in His plan. He created our family in the most perfect way, and we live to glorify His name.  I am content in this decision, at the same time, dealing with the natural grief.
• Gratitude.  I have had so many of you praying for us, and other people in our life.  I am so grateful for all of you and others in our life.  Words cannot express my gratitude.

There are other mixed emotions, but these are a few of them.  I think I went through 10 kleenex's while writing, and need a few more.  I am now going to get ready for the refrigerator repair man to arrive, as our frig/freezer went out yesterday.  Going to try to get rid of the crying face before he gets here, men don't always do well with emotions, especially if they don't know you!

Saturday cleaning

I was at a training this morning at Children's Hospital for a Parent to Parent support program until noon.  As I mentioned earlier, Akila is gone at respite.  The rest of the crew did some cleaning, and were kind enough to document it for all of you.  Aren't they awesome?!!

P.S.  The kids don't normally make my bed.

Thankful

I got word late yesterday that Minnesota DHS has formally approved the placement and that it was sent to Wisconsin's DHS, with a note basically saying, please hurry.

One more hurdle.  I dropped Akila off at respite yesterday after school and have several things to be thankful for.  Respite is one.  So thankful for some peace this weekend for all of us.  The DHS approval is another.  Not sure what would have happened to my psyche if it had not been approved.  An awesome support system is another one.

I have several people who within a two day period, helped me to figure out a solution to our potential PCA hour shortage.  I have enough to get me through next week, but if she is still home at the end of the week, spring break starts, and that will be challenging.  But between respite hours and some creative help, I think we can make it work, Lord willing.

But, I am praying that the DHS approval from WI moves quickly, and that we can make the change by the end of next week.  I so want my other 3 kids to be able to relax over spring break, and to be able to have friends over, and to be able to sleep in, and to be able to go on bike rides with me, and to be able to breathe. They so deserve a week of fun, peace and quiet.  Please join me in praying that Wisconsin DHS moves quickly.

One more chance

Akila will be going to respite for the weekend, and all 5 of the rest of us are quite relieved.  I am going to pick Akila up from school today and drive her straight to respite.  Looking forward to a two night break.

Two nights ago when Akila was raging, I talked with her about the place she will be moving too soon.  She is still in denial.  She told me I was cruel for getting rid of her, and a bunch of icky stuff like that.  She thought she should have one more chance.  I told her she has been given a bazillion "one more chances", but she disagreed.  I told her I wasn't mad at her, that her brain could just not control her actions sometimes and that it isn't safe for her or the rest of us.

She carried on and on about one more chance.  I finally gave in and said OK, one more chance.  But if you hit, kick, push, bite, scratch or attempt to hurt any of us, that is your last chance.  45 minutes later, her last chance was over.  She pushed me really hard.  I gently reminded her of her chance, and how she had just shown me that she can't stop.  She stood there, bewildered looking, and said, "I didn't touch you".  And I think she truly thought that.  It is like she isn't even aware of her physical aggressiveness.

It is sad.  She will still want another chance, but I can't afford to give her more chances, as it is messing up the other 3 kids too much, not to mention the overwhelming stress that Michael and I are feeling.  It is just so sad.

Stupid system

Well, nothing is obviously going to happen this week so I have Akila scheduled to go to respite this weekend.  I am very relieved.  And we have a PCA for this afternoon, and I am relieved about that also.

I emailed our social worker last night to see if he could light a fire under DHS's feet to get them to move any faster on the approval of Akila's placement.  He emailed back and called this morning.  He did hear that there has been a verbal approval and we are waiting for a signature.   So stupid.  Makes me want to scream.  Who needs to sign it and where do they live?  Cuz I could get that signature pretty fast.  These people at these levels (not my social worker), seem to have no idea what their dinging around does to an entire family unit.  I am trying to get on some DHS committees, we will see if that happens.

What I had forgotten about, is that when DHS does finally sign off, then it has to go to Wisconsin's DHS for approval, so we are looking at another week at least.  Sigh.  I got the great advise of calling the police again.  That is such a waste of time and tax dollar resources.

I am not sure how long the PCA will be able to keep Akila out tonight, but I plan on leaving with the kids to go to the health club when they are on their way home.  I do not want a repeat of the last several nights, especially last night.

Utterly tragic

Michael hasn't had to work late much lately at all, but he did a little bit tonight.  We had no PCA tonight because of funding issues (you get PCA hours in 6 month chunks, and have to use them up within the 6 months.  You can bank them and use more one week and less the next week, but within the 6 month period.  Our new 6 month period started Mar. 1st, so I am trying to not go over the allotted daily hours in case Akila is gone next week, or I am going to have to pay the state).

Akila and I went for a bike ride when she got home from school, which was nice. Then I drew with her.  Then she wanted to go to her room to play alone.  I started dinner.  She came down and wanted Imani to play with her, and Imani said "not yet".  This set Akila off.  She came into the kitchen and started to lose it.

I tried to distract her, get her to help me- but nothing worked.  She got violent.  She tried to take a pot of boiling water and throw it on me, but I was one second ahead of her, thank God!  She hit, kicked and scratched me multiple times before I told her she was going to need to be restrained.  As I was moving her into the living room, Zeke came up from the family room crying as they could all hear Akila's rage.

I was backing out of the room pulling Akila with me as I had her by the wrists, when Zeke attacked her from the back.  He totally lost it.  Zeke is a happy go lucky super duper fun kid.  He is at the end of his rope.  We all pretty much are.  Imani had come up, and she helped get Zeke off of Akila and I got her into a restraint.  I had Hezekiah come and take Zeke to Ms. Kathy's, our next door adopted grandma.  Imani took over the cooking.

I had to restrain her for awhile.  It is the goofiest thing you have ever seen.  The front screen door is open so all who walk by can her her cussing and carrying on.  I don't care.  Imani had a question about the meal I had been cooking.  I had her bring the cookbook for me to see.  I am sitting on Akila restraining her, reading a cookbook and telling Imani what to do next like it is as normal as anything.

When restraint was over, she started going in on Imani verbally, so I sent Imani to Kathy's also and finished dinner.  She eventually settled down.  After dinner, Imani and Zeke played with her for quite awhile.  Aren't they amazing?  But they shouldn't have to do this anymore.  None of us should.

After Michael got home, eventually she went nuts again.  Another restraint.  More fun.  Not.  More emotions from Zeke.  He doesn't want to leave me alone when Akila is out of control.  Yet, I don't want him to see and hear it all.

I just feel so sad for Akila.  She wants so badly to behave, but just isn't capable.  She had her annual physical last week.  Our Pediatrician is awesome.  She was sad.  She just kept saying, it is so "tragic", as it is not her fault.  So true.  It is tragic.  Utterly tragic.