Getting Ready

I'm getting ready to go to see Akila in the morning, and I am so excited I can't explain it.  I really miss her.  The kids and I will leave after we wake up early, and we have a meeting in the early afternoon with her team- the 30 day staffing mtg.  Michael could not take the day off work, so he will call in for the meeting.

We are staying overnight in a hotel, and Akila will stay with us.  The 3 kids are really excited, and not too sad about missing a day of school either.  I am excited, but hoping that the headache I have been fighting today goes away by morning.  Going to bed now.  Will try to post some pictures.

Hard to find the "right" word

It is weird.  To feel almost "normal".  Maybe "typical" is the better word.  That doesn't work either I guess.  I know many people get all squirmish over the use of the word "normal".

I am a mean friend.  I texted Dorothy and Julie one night last week.  My text said something like, "my life is so easy right now".  It doesn't feel right.  Yet it does.  Maybe I should go and find my old friends who have "normal" or "typical" families.  It has been hard to fit in with them for years.    That was a mean text, as with their 11 kids each, their lives are anything but easy.  Quite the opposite as a matter of fact.

I don't feel guilty that life is "easy" right now.  I'm not sure if "easy" is the right word either.  I can still get emotional in a second flat about Akila not being home.  It is not at all "easy" for her to be gone.  So I guess "easy" isn't the right word either.  Maybe I should go with "different".  It does feel "different" to have her gone.  Yeah, that's it.  That's the ticket.  It is "different".

It is not easy.  Or typical.  Or normal.  It is far from it to be any of those words, when your daughter is living 4 hours away in a place where you don't know the people.  It is not typical.  Or normal.  Or easy.  To talk to your daughter on the phone each night, and to not have seen her for 26 days.  It is not typical.  Or normal.  Or easy.  To talk to her and have her be in the best mood you have heard her in for months.  Years.  It is so different.  Very different.

3 weeks down

Akila has been in the RTC for 3 weeks now, and I am much more emotionally stable.  The Lord has sustained me and made this transition easier in several ways.

One, was His timing.  She left the day before spring break started.  It was nice to be able to organize a spring break for the kids that did not depend on Akila and her issues.  They got to be typical kids for the week and it was fun to watch.

Two, is Akila's attitude.  She still continues to be positive.  It is like she is at summer camp.  This has honestly not hurt, like some people assume it might.  I know her brain too well to be offended that she is not upset to not be with us at home.  I also know it is only a matter of time before she starts to be mad that she is there.  It has been a joy to talk to her on the phone, and the kids and I are going to visit her next Friday and staying overnight at a hotel.  I am looking forward to this, and so is Akila.

Three, is time.  I feel like I have had more time, and am getting caught up on some things.  I am caught up on my dance work, I had a pile of paperwork (calling insurance companies, clinics, research projects, etc) that I have caught up on.  I still have a huge list (in my head) of things I want to get done (reorganizing drawers, cleaning basement, etc.), but I don't feel stressed about it anymore.  I feel like I will be able to tackle some of these things.

It is actually a weird feeling, to feel typical.  Well, actually, I don't feel typical, probably never will.  But it feels weird to not live in constant drama.  I am not a drama queen, I do not seek drama out like some people I know.  I do know a mom who has a daughter with FAS, and this mom is addicted to the drama her daughter brings.  She is the type of person who wants people to feel bad for her at all times and when her daughter is in an out of home placement, she misses the drama.

I do not.  But there is certainly an adjustment period to not dealing with the drama daily.  This feeling is similar but different to when my mom died 7 years ago.  She spent the last three months of her life living with us, and was sick for 11 months.  My every waking minute (and many of my sleeping minutes), were consumed with caring for her, fighting for her, loving her.  When she passed, I was a zombie for sometime.  Not only due to losing her and dealing with that grief, but also from the change in a daily routine that I had become accustomed to.

I am thankful for how the Lord has sustained us.  I am thankful for how He has watched over Akila and protected her.  I am thankful for so many of the details that He has worked out.  I am very thankful and blessed.

Psychiatry update

I was on an adoptive parent panel today at a conference, called a Psychiatry Update for Primary Care.  Akila's Psychiatrist, Dr. Elizabeth Reeve was on the planning committee and one of the main presenters; she invited me to be on the panel.

The other two parents and I followed Anne Gearity who is an expert in adoption and attachment, she gave a great presentation.  She has a training manual which is called "Developmental Repair: An Intensive Treatment Model for Working with  Young Children Who Have Experienced Complex Trauma and Present with Aggressive and Disruptive Symptoms".  It is available here free for families and professionals.

The panel went really well, and as I was reading the audience, it seemed like they were very attentive.  They are all doctors, nurse practitioners or medical students.  Several came up afterwards to talk, ask questions, thank us.  Dr. Reeve came up, and she was wiping away tears and she said she wasn't the only one crying.  After lunch, she came up to me and said that as I was talking, it struck her that the meds she prescribed had not helped.  It was not for lack of trying, we tried a zillion different ones and she was always open to changing.  What I told her, is that they all worked- FOR TWO WEEKS.

I talked several times of the importance of diagnosis.  It was nice to be able to share with an important group. Crossing my fingers that people heard what we were saying!

FASD awareness event, May 18

I finally figured out how to post a PDF to my blog.  Hooray for me.

My friend Jerrod Brown has been planning an awareness event for FASD and it is coming up next month.  Here is a link to the flyer, I still don't know how to make it appear on my blog (other than a screen shot, using Paint, which I find to be tedious).

The event is May 18th from 11-3 at Concordia College in St. Paul.  I will be doing a presentation at it, and there will be live jazz music, games, prizes, speakers, etc.  I hope you all can come!!!!

Anticipating summer with joy

I wrote yesterday about trying to enjoy the little things during Akila's absence.  I did not mention them all, but just gave you a sample of the little things.  There is also a big thing that I want to write about.

Summer.  I have dreaded it for years.  Strange, since it is by far my favorite season.  I grew up on a lake, we had a speed boat.  Water skiing was something I loved, and just about anything water related.  I enjoyed summer during college, even though every summer I took summer classes and worked.

When I started my professional career after college, I worked for Community Education (CE).  If you work for CE, that means your summers stink.  You are in charge of all the programs to keep the kids busy while school is out.  Summer was intense, very intense.  10 plus hour days, and plenty of weekends.  Lots of stress.  Then we started adopting kids.  One each year for 4 years in a row.

I didn't quit working full-time until we adopted our 3rd child, Hezekiah.  Then I worked part-time for the National Youth Leadership Council directing a week long intensive program for high school students called the National Youth Leadership Training (a fabulous program by the way, that I think all high schoolers should try and attend!).  Directing this extremely intense program, on top of having 4 tiny kids, was crazy.  I did that from 2002-2006.

2006.  Six years ago.  That is when Akila was diagnosed with FASD, right after my mom passed away.  Every year since then, she has become more challenging, and some of her challenges, have made summer hard.  Very hard.

For the first time, I am looking forward to summer.  Yes, I have some pangs of guilt with this feeling, even when I know it is OK to feel like this.  But it is very hard to explain the excitement I have for this summer.  Looking forward to some lazy days, lots of beach days, long bike rides, road trips, hopefully a little water skiing (my knees can't handle much after 6 surgeries, but I don't tell my Orthopedic Doc that I even try), time with friends, etc.

Normally, at this time of the year as summer is quickly approaching, I am starting to feel a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Getting anxious and seeking out programs to sign Akila up for, which she ultimately refuses to go to.  I was looking at the calendar earlier today to see how much of school is left.  I did not have an icky feeling.  It felt good.

Yesterday, I was looking at the little things.  Some people might say that anticipating summer is a little one.  For me, it is a big one.  First time in over 20 years that I am looking forward to it.  Even if it is a flop (pray with me that it isn't!), I am going to be thankful for anticipating summer with joy.

The little things

I truly miss Akila, but I have been able to be more accepting of the current situation every day.  I am thankful for the Lord sustaining me through this season.

I am not happy about it, and I don't take pleasure in her absence, but I have to admit, there are some little things that are making life more simple.  Here are a few:

• Yesterday, I dug out the butcher block from the basement and put the knives in it.  Took the scissors our of the lock box also, and put them in places with easier access.  Typical places, like in a drawer, in a cup on a desk.
• I tied a head scarf on Imani tonight.  She does not wear one every night, and can do it herself if she does. But I tightened her dread locks tonight and wanted them tied well this first night so the goop has more time to set.  She did not hit me or yell at me as I tied it on her head.
• I have not been locking up my make up.
• The kids put their allowance money in their bedroom, and were excited they could just leave it on their dresser in plain site (instead of in their lockbox).
• I have been able to come and go as I please.  I have met my friends before bedtime, I have been able to say yes to speaking engagements in the evening without figuring out if I have a PCA.
• Our schedule has been vastly simplified.  Not having to schedule 3 different PCA's, appt's, etc.
• Sleeping in.  This is something I love to do.  I am a night owl, big time.  Akila has always been my alarm clock.  She could not be awake with me sleeping.

I struggle with enjoying these little things.  I am happy to make accommodations like these so Akila can be apart of our family.  I will do it again in a heart beat, if the violence could be tamed.  All of the things I have listed above, are trivial.  I would take her back in a heart beat, if she would stop beating on all of us.  But that is not in the plans at this moment.

So, in the mean time, I am going to enjoy these little things.  I know that when she eventually comes home for visits, we will have to lock things up again, and make some changes.  But part of this current situation, means that we can have some respite, and some peace, and enjoy the little things.  I no longer take for granted how easy it is to just grab a scissors when I need one.  There are so many things Akila has taught me to not take for granted.  She is a blessing.  

Counselors in training!

One of our PCA's is doing a class project on FASD with a friend of hers, they are both Family Social Science majors at the U of MN.  They came over last night to interview me about FASD, and the family impact of it.  It is suppose to be a 5 minute video they need to make.

Poor women.  They were here for 2 hours listening to me babble about FASD.  They didn't video all of it, just a short period.  But once you get me going, it is hard to shut me up!

Whenever I encounter young people in college who are majoring in human service fields, education, or medical areas, I just can't keep my mouth shut!  Since basically none of the college programs have much info on FASD, I have a personal agenda to get as many people as I can to go through their college program with their own personal FASD focus.

And these two young women are fabulous, so say a little prayer.  I am trying to get some therapists/counselors who would be specific to FASD, and have an interest, compassion and intentional outreach to families like mine.  I still contend that if someone went through a counseling degree program of some sort, and really learned about FASD through choosing it as a focus on papers, speeches, videos, etc., did some PCAing for children with FASD, they would be amazing resources and their schedules would be jam packed!

Real life buds

I mentioned yesterday that I am thankful for blog buds.  I am also thankful for real life buds.  Two of my IRL buds, have been absolutely amazing and supportive over the past 6 plus tough months.  Julie and Dorothy have had late night meetings with me, sometimes weekly, sometimes bi-weekly, whatever we could fit in.  

Julie is an amazing amateur photographer and she is great.  A few weeks ago, she took pictures of my kids and of our entire family.  She and Dorothy surprised me with a shutterfly book.  I photographed a few of the pages and they are below.  They also had a canvas portrait of Akila's picture made which is the bottom picture.  I am truly blessed beyond words.

Thankful for blog buds

Some people blog every day, even more than once.  I go through spurts.

As I have mentioned, blogging has brought out the emotions in me during this most current painful phase that we are in.  That is part of the reason why I blog, as it is a great way to process things, to get my feelings out, to find people who can empathize or relate with me and any of the situations I write about.  I also do it to bring awareness of the complexities of loving someone with FASD.

Sometimes, when I don't blog, it isn't because of emotions related to a particular situation.  Sometimes, I am just feeling swamped and don't put the time into it.  But I do love it when my blog friends wonder how I am doing if I am silent, and even get worried.  I love this because it shows what a caring community we have created in our mini-blog network.  I get it.  I have blog buds who I worry about if they are silent.  One that usually blogs every day, hasn't blogged since a hard post and I am praying for her.

When we first started this FASD journey, I was seeking a support group, a real life one.  Couldn't find one.  There are ones now, and I go sometimes.  But I was able to get my need met in many ways, through this blog and through all of your support.

I am doing much better each day since Akila has been gone.  She has been gone 12 days.  It still sucks.  It still hurts.  But it feels right.  I do appreciate all of the emails I have received, the emails that have been sent, the real mail that has been sent.  You are all so thoughtful.  So kind.  So loving.  It is amazing.  I am truly blessed.