I hate the system. I hate FASD even more of course, but the system is a close 2nd place often. Akila has been at the crisis home for 12 days now, and my emotions are more stable. The first 4 or 5 days were very rough, very. It still feels yucky, don't get me wrong, but I am not a wreck on the brink of tears anymore, at least not today. Who knows what I'll be like tomorrow.
I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. Obviously, my prayer is that Akila would be healed, cured. Is this likely? Is this really what God's plan for her is? I am going to go out on a limb here and say no. I know there are a handful of you out there who are gasping for breath, stomping your feet and your knees have already hit the floor praying for my soul as you believe I am sinning by not believing in my Lord. You already know that I disagree with your theology. So once again, leave me alone. My point is, that more than likely, after these 45 days are up, Akila will return home and things will fairly quickly be right back to normal.
Do I sound pessimistic admitting that? You may think so. But if you had lived with her for the past several years, you would know that I am just being realistic. Being realistic is a survival tool in our house. I know there is a slim chance that she might be improved, and I would be the happiest mom in the world if so, but I'm not going to expect that.
The real odd thing that I want to write about today, is something that is going to sound horrible. I want my daughter to rage at the crisis home. There. I said it. I know that sounds crazy. But you know there is a reason why I call myself psycho mom!!! ;) No, really. I want the staff there to see and witness her troubling behaviors for several reasons. The biggest reason is so that they can try to help us, and give us their perspectives since they see these behaviors all the time and work with tough kids.
Another reason, is that I would like to have her rages documented by someone other than Michael and I. And the final reason, is that I would like to show everyone that we are not crazy!!!!!!!! Well, we probably are a little, or a lot. But you know what I mean. Lots of FASD kiddos do this, where they reserve these behaviors for their loving families, and the rest of the world around them think they are angels, or close to it. Akila has shown a good amount of her goofy behaviors to others, but not much of the violence, without Michael and I around. A little with a few of the PCA's, but that's it. It would be nice if she would do it for someone else to prove that WE are not the problem.
I'm not sure if 45 days is going to be enough for her to feel comfortable enough to let loose. Now, doesn't that just make me sound like a loving and supportive mom? Wanting my child to let loose and attack staff. I'm not even sure if I should be blogging about this, but it has been weighing heavy on my heart for over a week so I decided to go for it.
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12 comments:
You are a loving and supportive mom, who only wants the BEST for your daughter and your family.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting others to see the troubling behaviors - I feel the same way about issues my adopted kids have too. I will join you in praying that all of Akila's behaviors will be exposed at the crisis center and she will get the help you all need her to receive.
Actually, it makes you sound like a normal human being. :) I discussed with a counselor about a family member who showed one (happy) face to her friends, and another (lazy, critical, defensive) face at home. My counselor said it's common for people in those types of situations to feel completely invalidated, and frustrated, because so many people have an experience with that person that is opposite yours. It's healing to have people simply believe you and affirm your experience... otherwise, you do start to wonder if you're crazy or just a bad person. So yeah, I get it.
Makes perfect sense to me.
All I have to do is extrapolate from the times I hoped my child would be really sick when we got to the Dr office, or whatever.
You aren't crazy. In this world where so much went wrong before our children came to us, what you are feeling is very, very normal.
We have one child who has raged horribly at school and one who, up until today, manages to save her dysregulation for home. It is easier with the one who rages at school because we aren't the only ones who see it. I totally understand what you are saying.
As for people who believe that we are weak in faith for not believing that our children will be healed... sigh. There isn't much you can do to change some people's hearts.
I see us as women who believe God's promises and cling each day to the life preserver He threw us. I don't think we'd get very far if we started demanding that He dry up the water instead. We pray for healing but we also pray for patience and wisdom to deal with whatever we need to do each day we serve Him. My husband told me a long time ago that we follow Christ, not Christians. I remind myself of that often.
Love to you today. Call if you want to talk. ~Kari
I totally get it! When my son was in therapy with me, I used to ignore the warning signs of a coming rage. I figured that, yes, I could maybe head off the rage before he lost it at the therapists, but she should see what it was like at home, where he felt more comfortable to act out and in the busyness of life, I couldn't be at his side 24/7. So anyway, he would get that certain look on his face, and I would just keep talking. He had some pretty good rages, loud enough that the others in the office asked that we schedule our sessions in the evening, because he was upsetting their clients! But it did let the therapist know that yes, he was a handful, and I wasn't making these things up.
I think it shows the depth of your unconditional love. The knowledge that Akila has that you love her so deeply. She feels comfortable letting her rages out around you knowing you will always love her. Does that make sense? I think they work so hard at not letting it out when they are not around the people they trust that they are little volcanoes filling up just waiting to explode. I do pray that she is there long enough to at least let her rage out--so others can see. It's good to know you are not alone....thanks for sharing your life! :0)
Hello - one sick and twisted mamma friend here praying she loses it in her temporary home also. It needs to be out there with other witnesses - it is real. And about our faith and FASD kids healing thing - we pray for it, trust in it, and accept the fact that it might not happen until heaven.
I believe it's very important that other people see her rages too for documentation purposes. You don't know what the future will bring with her. Frankly my honest opinion is not to allow her to return home because of her violence to the other children and to you and your husband. We had to give up a girl, age 11 years old, due to her physical attacks on my husband. We couldn't allow our family to be in danger from her. Now in hindsight, I am sure she has FAS too. I think you have done so much for Akila. You are not deserting her if you don't let her return home but rather protecting the rest of the family. Just my two cents opinion. But totally supporting you.
Barb, you don't sound crazy at all--I will pray too that *whatever* will happen that needs to happen to get you all the best help.
And I don't get how anyone would challenge any parent to keep trusting God would heal their child's brain. sure, any Christian mom should firmly believe that God CAN do it (as in nothing is beyond his power or reach) but insisting he do it now, on earth, in our timelines--well, we might as well insist he go back and remove those trees from the Garden of Eden. God did not choose FASD for Akila--human sin did that. But I do believe he chose you for her mother.
much love and prayers!
Thank you for visiting my blog...
I stopped praying for my daughter's healing a long time ago. I started praying from my own... from my impatience, pride, bad theology, anger, faith-LESS-ness.
I don't know if glad is the right word (or worse some smug-I-was-rightness), but my daughter has raged and been kicked out of every. single. placement. she has been in since leaving our home. Her mental health worker described her as toxic. I guess vindicated might be the closest. But, with all my heart I hope someone finds somewhere with enough structure and routine that she can do well as an adult. From about 8-10th grade, when she was at home, before she decided she was 16 and should drive, have a car and a boyfriend... she had that in our home.
As everyone else has commented I totally agree with you. Of course you want to feel validated that you are not crazy and she has these behaviors. I have the same thoughts about my daughter as no one else sees the behaviors we do in our home, even her grandparents. It is totally frustrating.
I like the way that one of your readers says she is now praying more for herself to have patience than for her daughter to be cured. That is powerful.
Your realistic view point matches up with my experiences. I hope 45 days is enough for her to be violent in front of the professionals who can get you guys more help, if not then try the day treatment or residential treatment. My son is showing his true colors in residential, and that documentation is the only way you will get the help you need...or she needs. I am also learning that all the prayer in the world will not change FASD...permanent brain damage. Yes we are the horrible, realistic parents, who are crying out for help and just trying to survive this journey. Sadly, it will not end when the darlings turn 18.
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