Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Verbal violence

Wow is Akila's verbal violence escalating. When she is angry, she goes right to name calling. This has been a challenge for over a year, and is getting rough. Last night we had to go to the dance studio for recital pictures, and I had to bring all four kids with.

For the last several months, I have not had to bring all the kids with. I have been making arrangements for the others to go to a neighbors, or an after school program, or Michael has been home in time. Well that didn't work out yesterday, and it was not pretty.

On the way home, Akila was focused on Imani. She often focuses on Imani and I think this is because she is jealous of her. Imani is a very sweet and easy going girl who gets along with everybody. Well she was yelling at Imani for any type of noise that Imani made, including just talking. She was calling her names, and saying that she wishes Imani were dead or never had been born. She even said once that she wishes that someone would break into our house and kill Imani.

She called me every name in the book. She said multiple times that I am not her "real" mom and that dad is the boss and the only one who she has to listen to. When dad is around, I am the only one she has to listen to, according to Akila. Once again, it really doesn't hurt my feelings or bother me when she is wishing I were dead because I am a "stupid frickin old lady", or when she says I am not her real mom. I know I am, and I know that God has a plan for her and I and that is why she is my real daughter.

By the time we got home, before we even got out of the van, Imani was helping Akila to draw something in her notebook and they were buds once again. I on the other hand, was completely annoyed and needed just a few minutes away from Akila. Kids are amazing. I did talk with the other three later, and try to process all the hate filled words they had witnessed in the van.

Then this morning, she changes out of her uniform pants and puts on a pair of jeans, which are against the uniform policy. She of course went into a rage when I told her that she needed to change and was swiping things off of tables and counters and calling names galore. She went to school in the jeans and I put uniform pants in her bag and left the teacher a message asking her to make sure Akila changed. Poor teacher (I don't say this because Akila won't listen to her, she will. I just feel bad that I need her help in this way).

At the bus stop, Akila got mad at me when I didn't put her ponytail in the "right" way and once again, I was a stupid mom and she wishes she still lived in Georgia with her foster mom, blah blah blah...... A minute later, the bus came, the other kids were hugging and kissing me, and Akila was yelling "love you mom, love you", like she hadn't been hurling verbal violence at me all morning. It is so amazing how disconnected she is to her behaviors, how she can't see how bizarre it is to call someone a horrible name, and less than a minute be loving toward them.

I have been praying for patience and for control of my tongue. It would be so easy in the heat of the moment to say "me too" when she says she wishes she lived somewhere else or something like that. I of course do not wish that, but in the heat of the moment, when she is being really nasty, it wouldn't be too hard to say the wrong thing. And I know I would regret it forever, because that would undoubtedly be the thing she remembered for the rest of her life. Not all the things she was saying leading up to my slip of the tongue.


All Girls 1337 said...

oye! not a fun moment...feel your frustration with all of that! our oldest is turning 8 and i know the days are coming when she will verbalize this way...not looking forward to it...thanks for sharing! your patience in the situation is inspiring

party of eight said...

i love you barb. you are amazing.

Thandi said...

Wow.I'll never know what it's like, but I can empathise and pray that your patience levels increase with each new trial.Bless you.

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with telling her that when she calls you names that you wish she lived far, far, away with some other unfortunate family?
You're not made of stone and her insults hurt. Telling her that she's not fun to be around when her behavior is out of control would be an eye-opener for her. Right now, she thinks she can do anything she wants to you and you'll continue to be "nice."