I have been a bad blogger lately. Too much to do, too little time. We are in the midst of getting our bathroom remodeled, and it has been a zoo. Should be done by end of Monday, I pray. I can't tell you how sick of taking baths I am. Enough on that.
Akila was on edge this past weekend, and it wasn't' fun. Sunday was Zeke's birthday, my baby turned 6 and boy was he excited! He got to choose where we went for lunch and he chose Godfathers. Akila was not pleased with this choice and she made it known. It is about a 10 or 15 minute drive, and I think she honestly called me a "stupid freakin woman" between 6-7 times in the car. This was after I had heard it many times in the morning (by the end of the day, it was no less than 40 times). Michael was of course, a "stupid freakin man". I dread the day when freakin changes to the other f word choice, and I don't mean frickin. I was driving, and she also took her very heavy purse she had brought with, and hit me on the shoulder pretty hard. It is so hard to not blow up when she is like this. Maybe that is why I usually do blow up.
Michael and I had a brief conversation about our families future. I know that Kari has blogged about this in the past, but it is really hard to think about the fact that my daughter may not always be able to live with us. Am I giving up? No. Am I being pessimistic? No. I am trying to be realistic. Akila's violence and anger can be really scary sometimes.
Last week, one night at dinner, Akila was focusing her anger on Imani, for absolutely no reason. She sits across from Imani and she literally started to climb up on the table to try to hit Imani. We calmed her down, and were trying to re-focus her. She was yelling at Imani that she was going to hit her at school, and she kept on doing the threatening posture of holding one hand flat and hitting it with the other hand in a fist. Imani thankfully was ignoring her. I got her to stop finally and move on. But a few minutes later, I realized that Akila was staring intently at Imani, and it was in a very intimidating manner. And my husband wonders why I have no problem with Akila taking her plate to the family room to eat.
I love Akila to no end. I honestly feel blessed that the Lord brought her into our lives. I really do, even though the stress is immense!!! The stress is more than any of you without a child like this could ever imagine. The stress has given me two migraines in the past 4 weeks, to the point where I get to go to "Headache School" in December (for real). Fun. But I honestly don't think the Lord would have created our family like this for no reason. I believe that He did it to draw me closer to Him. To show me that I am not in control (which I have a hard time accepting-ask Michael). To show me that I need Him more than anything else. To show I am judgemental. To show me that I am a huge sinner in need of His mercy.
As I look to our future, I see enormous challenges. I see rages. I see violence. I see experimental drug and alcohol use. I see huge school challenges. I see the police. I see raising grandchildren. But I also see God. I see Him in Akila every day. And I see Him in my own weaknesses. I see Him. I hear Him. And I need to listen to Him more. And I need to thank Him more. I am truly blessed.
Which is more difficult?
13 hours ago