Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Pondering

I have been a bad blogger lately. Too much to do, too little time. We are in the midst of getting our bathroom remodeled, and it has been a zoo. Should be done by end of Monday, I pray. I can't tell you how sick of taking baths I am. Enough on that.

Akila was on edge this past weekend, and it wasn't' fun. Sunday was Zeke's birthday, my baby turned 6 and boy was he excited! He got to choose where we went for lunch and he chose Godfathers. Akila was not pleased with this choice and she made it known. It is about a 10 or 15 minute drive, and I think she honestly called me a "stupid freakin woman" between 6-7 times in the car. This was after I had heard it many times in the morning (by the end of the day, it was no less than 40 times). Michael was of course, a "stupid freakin man". I dread the day when freakin changes to the other f word choice, and I don't mean frickin. I was driving, and she also took her very heavy purse she had brought with, and hit me on the shoulder pretty hard. It is so hard to not blow up when she is like this. Maybe that is why I usually do blow up.

Michael and I had a brief conversation about our families future. I know that Kari has blogged about this in the past, but it is really hard to think about the fact that my daughter may not always be able to live with us. Am I giving up? No. Am I being pessimistic? No. I am trying to be realistic. Akila's violence and anger can be really scary sometimes.

Last week, one night at dinner, Akila was focusing her anger on Imani, for absolutely no reason. She sits across from Imani and she literally started to climb up on the table to try to hit Imani. We calmed her down, and were trying to re-focus her. She was yelling at Imani that she was going to hit her at school, and she kept on doing the threatening posture of holding one hand flat and hitting it with the other hand in a fist. Imani thankfully was ignoring her. I got her to stop finally and move on. But a few minutes later, I realized that Akila was staring intently at Imani, and it was in a very intimidating manner. And my husband wonders why I have no problem with Akila taking her plate to the family room to eat.

I love Akila to no end. I honestly feel blessed that the Lord brought her into our lives. I really do, even though the stress is immense!!! The stress is more than any of you without a child like this could ever imagine. The stress has given me two migraines in the past 4 weeks, to the point where I get to go to "Headache School" in December (for real). Fun. But I honestly don't think the Lord would have created our family like this for no reason. I believe that He did it to draw me closer to Him. To show me that I am not in control (which I have a hard time accepting-ask Michael). To show me that I need Him more than anything else. To show I am judgemental. To show me that I am a huge sinner in need of His mercy.

As I look to our future, I see enormous challenges. I see rages. I see violence. I see experimental drug and alcohol use. I see huge school challenges. I see the police. I see raising grandchildren. But I also see God. I see Him in Akila every day. And I see Him in my own weaknesses. I see Him. I hear Him. And I need to listen to Him more. And I need to thank Him more. I am truly blessed.

5 comments:

party of eight said...

sobering thoughts... thanks barb. i think of you lots, but never call. i'm praying for you and i miss you. i am glad you blogged.

love you, janelle

Lisa said...

Well Barb, as another Mom who knows where you're coming from (literally) let me tell you what I've figured out after parenting a VERY difficult child for the past 14 years. I accept the fact that our family may not be the best place for my son to succeed. After all of these years of lies and stealing and more lies and now him crossing lines left and right of socially acceptable behavior, I have come to the realization that I may have been put into his life not to raise him 24/7, but to get him the help that he so desperately needs - even if that means he's not supposed to live with us anymore. Finding the help has been nearly impossible so far and I'm becoming more and more discouraged by the day, HOWEVER, I will keep looking because I know it will get worse before it gets better and my other children deserve better. This is their childhood too and not in the slightest what I envisioned for them.

Hang in there - I have such a sense of peace since I stopped fighting this and accepted that what I may want to happen, my son being healed completely of his dx's and the FASD, is probably not going to happen. Several years ago I would have felt guilty for feeling this way, but you can only push someone so far before they break, and I don't have the luxury of a nervous breakdown right now - I have other kids to think about. I've gotten too many migraines to count - the whole puking, feel like my head is being hacked at with an ice pick and (almost) praying for death kind so I hear ya.

NuggleMa said...

Hey Barb - great and difficult post. Even with a child, i can only imagine what the depths of your days hold. Stay true to God.

Blessings,
Tracy Smith

Amy said...

I am glad to see you post, just to know you are still out there :)

I hope your bathroom gets done soon, that's just one more inconvenience on top of the daily grind.

I am sorry that she is getting more violent. I admire your faith, and I admire your honesty as a parent. Whatever decisions you have to make in the future will be because Akila is not an only child, and you have to parent all of your children, not just her. You are levelheaded and good hearted.

I love the positive you find in the situation and your willingness to learn lessons. I'll be praying for you this coming week, I hope you have a very Happy Thanksgiving!

lenell said...

I understand about your thoughts about the future. I think only someone else parenting in the trenches understands that realizing our children may never heal, is not giving up on them. The hard part is balancing the needs of the kids that are healing with the needs of the ones who aren't. At some point very hard decisions have to be made. You aren't alone as you go through this. There are quite a few of us out there facing the same kinds of things.
Lindy