Crack head

Akila's new name to call people when she is mad, is "crack head". Lovely. Just so you know, I'm a crack head according to Akila. I think she called me that 30-40 times last night. Yesterday was the first time I heard that one from her. Dumb nuts has been her name of choice up until yesterday. That and brain head, which Michael and I really prefer her to call us- so we don't get on her case when she uses brain head. We probably should, maybe she would use it more than.

Yesterday was rough. She walked in the door with an edge and was completely out of control until we got to dance. Every little thing had her flying off the handle. She gave me a really hard shove in the gut while calling me crack head at one point. It didn't hurt, but it is so hard not to go into the red zone when she is like that. I admit, I did go into the red zone after about 30 minutes of raging.

Michael got home about 5 minutes before we had to leave for dance. He couldn't get her to calm down either. Sometimes, when Akila is like this, a change of the guard can be what it takes for her to shake out of the rage. Not yesterday. Michael thought she had not had her meds or something. I laughed. I wish the meds worked so well that she never acted up while on them.

I threatened not to take her to dance, which honestly, is more of a punishment on the rest of us. I had to go to the studio to do some work, so I told her I was about to leave and she could come with me or not(I'm sure Michael was sweating). She was being really rude and demanding that we bring her her shoes. Hezekiah came into the living room, asked what shoes she wanted, and got them for her. He wanted her to go. Sad.

In the van, I just blasted the radio and ignored her. She settled down after about 10 minutes. She was fine at dance, fine on the way home, and then when she was getting into bed, she lost it and we started all over. Here are a few of the things she yelled last night, in the first and second rage:

*I hate you
*I wish you were never born
*I wish you were dead
*I wish you weren't my mom
*I wish I had a real mom, not a fake one like you
*Crack head
*Dumb nuts
*Ugly
*You're the worst mom in the entire world

There were many other things, but I can't remember most of them right now, that is probably good. I honestly am not hurt when she is saying these mean things to me. I know it is the rage talking, and she just can't control what is flying out of her mouth when she is like that. What hurts me, is the other kids having to hear some of it, or being the target of her hurtful words.

When she was in bed, and finally settled down, she called for me to come to her room. I did, but I didn't want to. She wanted a hug and I gave her one and we each said I love you. And today is the last day of school for 10 days. Spring break starts tomorrow. I am not ready.