Monday, August 15, 2011

The birthday is over, finally

Akila's birthday was 10 days ago, but it seems like it has been going on for over a month. The anticipation of a birthday with a FASD child is quite painful, or at least it is with Akila. She has a very difficult time waiting for her birthday. She has several mini-rages/rants about why isn't it today (like on 7/23, 7/25, 7/26, 7/27. 7/29, etc.- her bday is 8/5). I say, why wasn't it in February? Why wasn't it in April? Would that have been better? She just doesn't get it.

She goes around our neighborhood telling everybody it is her bday and expecting a gift. I was really planning on not having a birthday celebration for her outside of our family this year, but I changed my mind. I'm an idiot. Remind me of that next year. I changed my for one main reason. Akila really has no friends and very little feelings of social acceptance. I had mentioned last year that the teenagers from the dance studio are really awesome and patient with Akila. They make her feel special and accepted, so they are who I invite to her parties now-a-days, and one friend who is also really patient with Akila (sweetest girl alive, but one that we don't get to see very often-she goes to a different school). I feel like this party is a time for Akila to feel accepted and loved by others outside of our family.

So, the party actually went very well, and I suppose that is what I should be focusing on, not the aftermath. But it is hard for me to get over the aftermath. But I should. Because every evening lately is full of rages, so we would have had them party or no party, right? Good point. It is good to think on paper sometimes. Or on blog roll, whatever you call this.

Anyway, one awesome party goer, gave Akila $10, which is a very thoughtful gift. This gift giver is one of her PCA's who happens to be scheduled to work with Akila tomorrow. We even mentioned during the party that they could spend it tomorrow. Well, before the party was over, Akila had other plans. The party was at a beach, and when she was done swimming, and eating, and had played with a few of her presents, she was ready to go and spend the money. I told her we couldn't go until everyone was picked up, another 45 minutes. She wasn't too happy about this, but dealt with it pretty well. But she had in her head that we would be going to Target immediately to spend the money.

When we got home, and I let her know that we were going to make dinner and do a few things first, and if she had some good behavior, we could go and do it after dinner, the horns grew out of her head. The pushing, hitting, and kicking started. The name calling came out, and she got really ugly. I gave her a few chances, she did not clean it up, so I told her that we would not be able to go to Target tonight as she was making some bad choices. The next hour plus was her begging, pleading, and raging to go. Michael got home, and got to join in on the fun.

We ignored her as best as you can when she is like this. But she gets nutty. We tried to distract her. She had a whole host of new toys from the birthday party, tons of fun new stuff to play with. She wanted nothing to do with any of it. All she wanted to do was to spend the $10. Over an hour later, she finally got off of the idea. Phew. It was a very loooong hour.

Fast forward a bit. It was our next door neighbor girl's 12th birthday today also. She and my other kids were playing outside, and she brought all of her birthday gifts over to our yard to play with, and Imani was playing with her. Akila could have also, but Akila just stood there and stared. The girl and Imani were playing with dolls, like Bratz or Moxie girls or something like that, which Akila got several new ones of today. Michael and I tried to distract Akila, to get her to come and show us her stuff, to come and play one-on-one with us, but she would not. Eventually, she came inside demanding that I go into the basement and find her a doll.

She seems to think that I stash new toys in the basement for her or something. I told her I had nothing for her in the basement and her birthday was over. She had lots of nice new dolls and lots of old dolls to play with. But she disagreed. She wanted me to go to the basement and get her one. And she was stuck on this idea for the next hour plus. She got violent, she got totally out of control, and I am sitting here now wondering how much longer we as a family unit can do this....


Melissa said...


GG said...

I have not experienced what you are going through but you express yourself so well I can "see" your reality. I feel for all of you in your family and wish all potential mothers could see the results of bad choices in pregnancy. Prayers for you!

Blessed said...

My heart goes out for you, for your family, mostly for Akila. : (

Anonymous said...

I'm a lurker and hesitate to leave a comment because my suggestion is likely something you already know and/or have already tried. But, I keep feeling led to share this with you -- so I'll put it out here. With our son, the ADHD meds made things MUCH worse. The challenge was that initially things seem to improve so it looked like the ADHD meds were working - but over time the meds caused significant mood dsyregulation. And then it often took weeks once the ADHD meds were discontinued to get back to his original baseline. Through trial and error we finally realized our son, who had behaviors almost identical to what you describe, was experiencing significant psychosis. When we started him on high and powerful (and scary!) doses of antipsychotics that stopped the "noise" in his head, we finally saw some improvement. He still has many challenges. But the rage and paranoia and sudden violent mood shifts are much improved.