Monday, April 9, 2012

Something so right feels so wrong

Blogging has been painful, hence I have ignored the blog.  I feel like it has been a whirlwind since we brought Akila to the RTC on March 29th.  The day after we dropped her off, I was in a fog.  The following day, the kids and I went to a resort up north for 3 nights and 4 days.  After that, we had a zillion different sleep overs and tons of playing with neighborhood kids.  It was a busy spring break.

Today, the kids are back in school for the first time since Akila left.  It is bittersweet.  It is nice to have some time alone finally, but it is also making me reflect, which is a good thing.  Especially after a beautiful Easter day which is such a great reminder of God's love and ultimate sacrifice.  My sacrifice is nothing compared to His.

What keeps going through my head, is how something so right feels so wrong.  That is a song, isn't it?  Pretty sure it is.  There is no doubt that we needed to find a placement for Akila, as her behaviors were out of control and getting dangerous.  But I hate the only option we were given, that is part of what is making it feel so wrong.  I do know it would feel wrong and icky, even if she were in a group home in the Twin Cities, which is my first choice.

We asked the kids individually this weekend how it feels to them with Akila being gone.  They all pretty much said, weird, but good.  I get that.  They were able to have an enjoyable spring break filled with friends and fun.  Without the drama.  Without walking on egg shells.  Most importantly, without the scary violence.  They had friends over, and went to friends houses.  They played with the neighborhood kids non-stop and the neighborhood kids were able to come in and out of our house.  None of this could happen if Akila was still home.  So sad.  Yet, so right.

I spoke with Akila on Friday, and she told me she had been sent to the RGR.  This means the Re-Grouping Room- essentially the time out room where they are sent when they are acting icky.  It is a room that is staffed and monitored.  I asked why and she said because she was being rude.  I asked what she was mad about and she said the staff were giving her attitude so she gave it back.

Once again, I hate being in the icky state of being relieved that she is acting up.  My first choice, is that she is healed, and stops acting icky (I know "icky" is my word today- maybe I will title this post "icky").  But if she isn't "healed", I need her to act out at the RTC so they can see the issues and give an accurate assessment of what type of community placement she will  need when her time there is finished.

I spoke with her yesterday also and she had been to the RGR on Saturday, twice I think.  Not sure, as she seems unclear on the days and times, which makes sense.  Nonetheless, she was really upbeat on the phone, as a matter of fact, she has been every time I have talked to her.  No whining or complaining.  She is loving the school, food is great.

I was nervous yesterday about talking about our Easter and traditions, but she asked about them and was really happy and sweet.  She asked if we had cornish game hens (which is our tradition), and we said yes.  She asked Imani if they were good and Imani said yes and Akila was genuinely happy.  She asked about the egg hunt and was happy about that also.  They did have an egg hunt at the RTC.  They had some things in some of the eggs like an extra phone call, or a night they can stay up late.  I thought that was a good idea.  She got 4 extra phone calls and 2 late nights.

I was so thankful to the Lord when we got off the phone with her.  I had a pit in my stomach all day yesterday  because of her absence on a special day.  I was worried about how to handle the call with her.  But He took all my worries away by having her be so sweet and positive.  Once again, it is like we are getting to enjoy her, even only on the phone so far.

I remember this when she was in the crisis home.  Although the phone calls were not enjoyable after the first few days, every visit except one was great.  We were able to enjoy Akila and improve our relationship.  This is one of the things we wrote in the letter to Hennepin County when we were requesting out of home placement.  Akila desperately needs to have a positive relationship with those who love her the most, which is us.  She needs us to be able to advocate and fight for her, and we will do this no matter what, but it is harder to do when she is living at home and beating on us constantly.  She beats the fight right out of you.  Wow, that sounds strange.

So, God has been faithful.  He knows when I need to be filled up, and He did that yesterday.  I am grateful to have a God who is always there for me, and who made the ultimate sacrifice for someone like me who does not deserve it.


GB's Mom said...


Blessed said...

Good thing we know we can't trust *feelings* when we are making decisions. God has given you wisdom, and that trumps feelings any time. Still, I know that does not change the feelings, and I am sorry you are feeling them--and yet, they too are an indication of your deep love for your child, so even that is a good thing!

You are doing the right, hard, good thing, even though it does not feel good. But that is what loving parents do.

May the Lord continue to pour out his blessings on your family this week!