I am not happy about it, and I don't take pleasure in her absence, but I have to admit, there are some little things that are making life more simple. Here are a few:
- Yesterday, I dug out the butcher block from the basement and put the knives in it. Took the scissors our of the lock box also, and put them in places with easier access. Typical places, like in a drawer, in a cup on a desk.
- I tied a head scarf on Imani tonight. She does not wear one every night, and can do it herself if she does. But I tightened her dread locks tonight and wanted them tied well this first night so the goop has more time to set. She did not hit me or yell at me as I tied it on her head.
- I have not been locking up my make up.
- The kids put their allowance money in their bedroom, and were excited they could just leave it on their dresser in plain site (instead of in their lockbox).
- I have been able to come and go as I please. I have met my friends before bedtime, I have been able to say yes to speaking engagements in the evening without figuring out if I have a PCA.
- Our schedule has been vastly simplified. Not having to schedule 3 different PCA's, appt's, etc.
- Sleeping in. This is something I love to do. I am a night owl, big time. Akila has always been my alarm clock. She could not be awake with me sleeping.
I struggle with enjoying these little things. I am happy to make accommodations like these so Akila can be apart of our family. I will do it again in a heart beat, if the violence could be tamed. All of the things I have listed above, are trivial. I would take her back in a heart beat, if she would stop beating on all of us. But that is not in the plans at this moment.
So, in the mean time, I am going to enjoy these little things. I know that when she eventually comes home for visits, we will have to lock things up again, and make some changes. But part of this current situation, means that we can have some respite, and some peace, and enjoy the little things. I no longer take for granted how easy it is to just grab a scissors when I need one. There are so many things Akila has taught me to not take for granted. She is a blessing.
2 comments:
Taking the knives and scissors out of lockup...yeah, it feels strange but also relieving.
It's OK to focus on the positives. I had soooooo much guilt when I actually enjoyed myself on the weekends that the girls were gone, after my divorce. But then, I began to realize that this is our "new normal" and it was OK, to be OK with it.
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