Thursday, September 22, 2011

Holding the course

On Tuesday night, Akila kicked a staff at the crisis home. Last night when I picked her up before we went to the hospital, she was very upset with a staff person and was yelling at him. The last 3 days, she has been obsessing again with the fake fingernails.

All this to say, I think we are close to her letting loose at the crisis home. What an odd feeling. I hate it- I wrote about it here a little over a week ago. I am having the mixed feelings of wanting her to rage for them, yet not.

She gets to call us 3 times a day. I may have to change this on school days. Three calls in an evening is too much, basically every hour. And she has nothing to say. I try to ask about her school day, what she ate, generic things like that. Her answer is almost always "nothing". She just wants to complain about something, mainly when she is coming home.

Of course, the last 3 days, it has been the fake fingernails. I told her the first two times she called, that if she didn't stop asking about the fake fingernails, that I was going to hang up. I had to hang up. She wants to make a compromise. She will never call again and cry to come home if we get her the fake fingernails. Right. I believe that. The hard thing, is that she is being sincere. She thinks she could really not call and cry to come home again. I know that she won't be able to control that.

The last few days on the phone, and seeing her last night, she seems a little more "back to normal", that is Akila's normal. Which is why I think she might be close to showing them the real her. She has been there for 3 weeks now, and it has been peaceful at home. I am over the initial horrid emotions but it still feels weird, yucky.

I have been enjoying the little things that we feel during this respite. It is nice to not have to lock up the knives. We can sleep in a little more because we don't have to deal with huge drama in the morning before school. Weekends, I can truly sleep in as Akila is my alarm clock. Bedtime is a breeze, wow I didn't know it could be so easy. It has been nice.

But a small part of me this week has been wanting to say, let's have her come home now. I know this is not a good idea, it is not the right time. I fully know that when she returns home, she will return to her "normal". I know it won't be good. I know that the Psychiatrist wants her to stay in the crisis home while we taper off meds and try new ones, so it is easier to measure how she is doing on the meds, without the "family factor". But I do miss her.


Anonymous said...

There's a reason God gave us things like Crisis Centers! And honey, you are one of many! I hope, for everyones sake, especially yours, that she does throw one devil of a doozy while she's there! Some things really do need to be seen by other eyes before they can get the best help they really need!

I wish my sister had had that sort of thing available to her when my nephew was young. How much better off he'd be if someone had medicated him before he was thirty and had a child of his own!

Please don't feel bad about enjoying the break, I know that I couldn't do what you're doing with her on a daily basis. God must have a lot of faith in you to trust you with something this big!

Julie said...

Praying for each of you as you continue to take the steps that have been necessary to do what is best for four amazing children...aren't you thankful that God only reveals what we need to know when we need to know it about the road he has brought us on..imagine what you would thought about your life now if he had told you 10 years ago... that you would be dealing with this?!