I hate the system. I hate FASD even more of course, but the system is a close 2nd place often. Akila has been at the crisis home for 12 days now, and my emotions are more stable. The first 4 or 5 days were very rough, very. It still feels yucky, don't get me wrong, but I am not a wreck on the brink of tears anymore, at least not today. Who knows what I'll be like tomorrow.
I feel so stuck between a rock and a hard place. Obviously, my prayer is that Akila would be healed, cured. Is this likely? Is this really what God's plan for her is? I am going to go out on a limb here and say no. I know there are a handful of you out there who are gasping for breath, stomping your feet and your knees have already hit the floor praying for my soul as you believe I am sinning by not believing in my Lord. You already know that I disagree with your theology. So once again, leave me alone. My point is, that more than likely, after these 45 days are up, Akila will return home and things will fairly quickly be right back to normal.
Do I sound pessimistic admitting that? You may think so. But if you had lived with her for the past several years, you would know that I am just being realistic. Being realistic is a survival tool in our house. I know there is a slim chance that she might be improved, and I would be the happiest mom in the world if so, but I'm not going to expect that.
The real odd thing that I want to write about today, is something that is going to sound horrible. I want my daughter to rage at the crisis home. There. I said it. I know that sounds crazy. But you know there is a reason why I call myself psycho mom!!! ;) No, really. I want the staff there to see and witness her troubling behaviors for several reasons. The biggest reason is so that they can try to help us, and give us their perspectives since they see these behaviors all the time and work with tough kids.
Another reason, is that I would like to have her rages documented by someone other than Michael and I. And the final reason, is that I would like to show everyone that we are not crazy!!!!!!!! Well, we probably are a little, or a lot. But you know what I mean. Lots of FASD kiddos do this, where they reserve these behaviors for their loving families, and the rest of the world around them think they are angels, or close to it. Akila has shown a good amount of her goofy behaviors to others, but not much of the violence, without Michael and I around. A little with a few of the PCA's, but that's it. It would be nice if she would do it for someone else to prove that WE are not the problem.
I'm not sure if 45 days is going to be enough for her to feel comfortable enough to let loose. Now, doesn't that just make me sound like a loving and supportive mom? Wanting my child to let loose and attack staff. I'm not even sure if I should be blogging about this, but it has been weighing heavy on my heart for over a week so I decided to go for it.
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