Saturday, September 3, 2011

Heart breaking

Akila has been calling us three times a day, which is what we put in her schedule. Yesterday, her calls were very upbeat, telling us about what she had been doing, asking us what we were doing. She talked to all 5 of us each time. The other 3 kids do a great job on the phone with her.

It has not been surprising that she has been seeming to enjoy it, I mentioned in the earlier post that this is kind of classic FASD. Stranger anxiety is not always there nor is fear of new situations. But she did call this afternoon and ask to come home because she was bored. I talked a little in this post about how much I hate it when Akila says she is bored- we are almost always guaranteed a rage at the end of it. So, this almost made me cringe. I wanted to say, "give me a break, you are bored constantly at home!!!!!!! That is all I ever hear from you." But I didn't of course. I just explained that she couldn't come home and changed the subject.

Tonight, we took the kids to dinner and to see the new Spy Kids movie, which was really good by the way~!! Akila called on the way home. She started to cry and said that she wanted to come home because she was terrified and didn't want to stay there another night. Well, this of course was tough to hear. I expected it, knew it was coming, but I didn't like it. She went on and on of course. I was trying to ask her what she was terrified of, without using those words as I didn't want the other kids in the car to hear that she was terrified or they will think we are cruel for making her stay there as they might not understand the dynamics of the situation.

She of course couldn't give me any reasons why she was scared or terrified, she just was. And I'm not saying that she isn't, or doesn't have reason not to be, but I was trying to make sure that there was not an incident or something. I did forget to mention that I was also to talk with one of Julie's friends who had a son stay at the same crisis home about a year ago and they loved the staff and were very satisfied with the experience. This was another affirming thing that helped us with our decision and peace.

Then Akila started to go off on the staff for their timing of when they give her the meds. They are doing it differently than how we do it at home. Akila isn't in charge, and she doesn't like it. This is what we constantly fight at home. The Rx label for the Daytrana says to take the patch off after 9 hours, but our Dr. says you can leave it on longer, and to just take it off 2 hrs before bedtime. We take it off at 6:30. Well, they have to follow the Rx to the T, which I understand. So they take it off at 4:30. Akila doesn't like this. We give her her 2nd dose of one of her meds at 4:00, they are giving it at bedtime. We do this sometimes when we forget it at 4:00, it is no big deal. But Akila is complaining about this. What's funny, is that she won't ever take the meds at anytime when we tell her to anyway.

She was also complaining that they wake her up in the morning. This cracked me up. In our house, I practically ground the kids if they are too loud in the summer and wake up Akila. Her sleeping in is our brief moments of respite. When she wakes up, all sanity breaks up and the tension starts, so we love it when she sleeps in. I totally understand that they have a schedule though, and love that they are waking her up since school starts in a few days and they are getting her in the routine.

She kept saying over and over that she had learned her lesson and that she wouldn't hurt us anymore. I so wish that were true. I really wish her brain worked that way. I eventually had to practically hang up on her. It was horrible. I did not like it. I told her that I loved her, and that I missed her. What is really weird, is that I truly do miss her. She has been gone for a night, or for a few nights before and I haven't really missed her like I do now. I obviously don't miss the tension, the raging, and the stress. But wow, is there ever a void. There is a peace, and a void at the same time. It is hard to explain.


AKBrady said...

I totally get it. Hang in there. This Alaska family is thinking about you!

GB's Mom said...

Been there. It is so hard and I never did find words for it

Kari said...

Sending hugs and prayers.


* said...

I totally get it too Barb. Reading this has brought back the feelings in my gut when we had to do the same thing with our daughter. How it all played out in getting her to the van, packing her up, the phone calls, the pleading and promises of being good, the void that hurt so bad, the constant thoughts of her....
I wanted to tell you too that I totally get not wanting to wake up the kiddo. Just this morning I had to wake up our son for a lab appt. I waited till the last minute and even thought of rescheduling because he never slept that late and it was so freakingnice!
Hey, you are a great mom. That's why it hurts so much.
Hope we can be in touch soon.