Monday, September 5, 2011

Sad mommy

Akila went to Bible camp in June for 5 nights. It was wonderful, I loved the break and it could have been several more days. Angie has taken her for one night twice this summer, and it has been awesome, and wasn't long enough (although we totally appreciated the one night Angie, don't get me wrong!). We tried our first shot at respite through the county in August, the provider only had two nights open the entire summer and it was a Tuesday and Wednesday night so I took them. It was awesome. When she was gone, I will admit I was even giddy.

Yes, I missed Akila, I truly did, but to be totally honest, I was glad she was gone, even relieved. But now, it feels totally different. Yes, there is a sense of relief. I am relieved to not have to be fighting all day and to not have the tension in the house the minute she wakes up. But there is such an overwhelming sadness with her absence and it has really taken me by surprise. It is not at all related to guilt like one person asked me. There is no doubt in my mind that we made the right decision, the pain in my lower back is affirmation enough (it still is hurting from all of the restraining).

I have found myself being able to function each day, and get through daily activities with no problem. But when evening comes, and Michael and the kids have gone to bed, I lose it. I melt down. The emotions all hit me. I suppose this is normal, even healthy. I have a profound sadness in the pit of my stomach. I think it is because deep inside, I know that this is the beginning of the end. That sounds fatalistic, or weird. What I mean by that, is that I think this crisis home is the beginning of a series of events that will quite possibly lead to Akila living out of our home. Ooohhh... did I just type that. It makes it seem more realistic. Now I'm really scared.

I have known for years that there is a real possibility that she may not always be able to live in our home. I have seen the writing on the wall. Her behavior has been progressing and we have done everything we could to try to keep it at bay. But we are close. Last month, at a meeting at Children's Hospital with some Dr.'s, one of them asked how Akila was doing. I said I thought we might be one step away from a group home placement. I then explained her behaviors. This Dr. then said she thinks we are one step on the other side of a group home placement. This really stuck in my head. Not to mention the extreme out of control behaviors we have been fighting.

I'm sad that I won't get a picture of Akila before she heads off on her first day of 7th grade. We are going to go and visit her tomorrow night so I will get one of her then, so that should be just as good, right? She had her hair relaxed on Saturday at the hair salon, and I didn't get to see it. I was grocery shopping literally next door at the same time but didn't stop by. I was dying to, but didn't want to risk a scene. She loves to show off her hair after she gets a new doo. I'm sad to have missed that. We can visit her obviously, but they thought it would be good to give her the weekend to adjust before we visit and we agreed.

Now don't freak out. I'm not depressed, or having a mental breakdown. I'm just sad, and with good reason. Let me have my moment. ;)

9 comments:

Megan said...

A big hug for you today! Wish I could sit by you and tell you that it's okay to have your sad mommy time, as long as it takes! I'm praying that your time with Akila goes well tonight and that you have a continued sense of peace, even if there is sadness, over Akila's placement in the crisis home. Praying also for God to give wisdom and direction for Akila's future needs and for Him to carry that burden for you today.

dorothy said...

I'm thinking late-night oreo therapy at Julies 'in-town' place tonight? Any chance your game? i'll bging the expensive kleenex and some good quality chocolate as my contribution. We can fall apart and then help each other pick up the pieces.

Sara A. said...

I have been reading your blog for several months now----got connected to it through Dorothy's blog, who I met when we attended N. Campus. We now attend S. Campus (Your sister in law Tara worked with us in the Kindergarten SS room a few years back). Anyway - I now feel compelled to write. My heart is breaking with you. I cannot imagine how your mom heart feels. Even though there is pain with her there, there is pain with her away because she is your daughter. You have loved her, invested massive amounts of time, energy, etc. into her. I think it makes total sense. I just wanted to chime in that you have a reader down in Prior Lake....someone who cares and prays for your. Thank you for sharing your struggles so honestly. Life is messy. God is good.

Sara A. said...

I have been reading your blog for several months now----got connected to it through Dorothy's blog, who I met when we attended N. Campus. We now attend S. Campus (Your sister in law Tara worked with us in the Kindergarten SS room a few years back). Anyway - I now feel compelled to write. My heart is breaking with you. I cannot imagine how your mom heart feels. Even though there is pain with her there, there is pain with her away because she is your daughter. You have loved her, invested massive amounts of time, energy, etc. into her. I think it makes total sense. I just wanted to chime in that you have a reader down in Prior Lake....someone who cares and prays for your. Thank you for sharing your struggles so honestly. Life is messy. God is good.

robyncalgary said...

Take all the moments you need, you're doing the best you can with what you have. Thinking of you and your family <3

* said...

Yes, this is all normal. I remember being very surprised that I didn't feel relief when our daughter was placed out of home. I mean, I felt it when she went to respite shouldn't I feel it now? It's the circumstances and the grieving process. You need to feel it all. And it's not pretty. Big hugs to you~

Psycho Mom said...

I'm in Dorothy. And I don't even have to come super late this time!!! I can come whenever I want.

Thanks for the support everyone. It is a grieving process for sure.

dorothy said...

I have TKD till 8:30....can be there at 9:00. Julie says she will host... any requests?

AKBrady said...

No freak out here. I get it. Just allow it to be, okay?