Tuesday, January 24, 2012


There is no doubt we are living in an atmosphere of abuse. When you watch a movie where a woman has a husband who abuses her, and possibly the children, they often show how much they dread it when the abuser comes home from work or somewhere else. They also show the relief when the abuser leaves. That is our life right now.

Yesterday was day 26 in a row of serious aggression. Never has it lasted this long in the past. All she does the entire time she is home is cycle up and down. And when she is up, she is physical and totally out of control. I have been talking with our social worker, but as many of you know, counties move slowly. It seems like the more desperate you are, the slower they are.

Last night, after she had calmed down from her 2nd rage of the evening (and she did not get home until 7:30- she was at dance with a PCA), I was helping her to get something. I can't remember why, but I said thank you to her. I got yelled at and was told not to say thank you to her.

Another scene which was classic to a movie, was when her new PCA brought her home from dance. She was in a good mood, really positive and nice. She was hungry but wanted to wait until the PCA left before she ate. I started to warm up her dinner before the PCA had left and she told me to wait as she hadn't left yet. I waited and once the PCA left, she turned nasty. Extremely nasty. Similar to in the movies when a friend, or even the police arrive, and the abuser turns on their sweetness, and as soon as they leave, they let go.

I know that I am very open and honest in my blog. Some people criticize me for that. I get that. There might be a time when I need to go private, or have fake names. The time is not here now. Right now, I can't tell you how many emails and comments I get from people who appreciate my honesty and are living similar lives and are relieved to know they are not alone.

We have known for years that Akila might not be able to always live in our home. We have been trying to prepare ourselves and the other kids, and even Akila for that for years. We know we are at that point. But unfortunately, we are having to play the waiting game with the county. They have procedures and funding limits. Those things are incredibly hard to understand when you are desperate, which we are now.

Akila is with a PCA this week Mon-Wed in the evenings and we have them working with her out of our house. Thursday and Friday evening, she has dance rehearsals and all day Saturday, she has dance performances. Sunday afternoon and evening is a time we need to fill. It does not work to be in our home for more than an hour or so with her. Last Sunday was a nightmare. The day of rest. There is no rest for the weary, that is for sure. We do appreciate all of your concern, and especially your prayers.


Kari said...

You have fought so hard and lovingly for this child. The reality of our world is that sometimes our families cannot all live together in the same home in order to keep everyone safe during times like this. You are in my prayers.

I was thinking this morning about how thankful I am that we have found answers about what escalates our kids' FASD so horribly (their PANDAS reaction to strep). I know how hard you have looked for answers. Sometimes there are no answers. I'm so sorry. ~Kari

Blessed said...

How is it loving to keep Akila there at home since the rest of you are suffering so much abuse? How is it loving to all of you, who are EQUALLY worthy of the efforts of a healthy home? How is it loving to Akila, when she is only being helped to abuse? I know she is your daughter, and you love her, and no out-side living arrangement will ever take the place of your home and your parenting. But this really seems to have long ago moved into a whole nother territory, in which Akila living at home is not helping anyone, certainly not her. : (

I know I have an outsider perspective, but I am so mad at FASD when I read your story, so sorry for Akila and yet very protective of you and your family. FASD might have control over your daughter for the moment, and it does not seem like that is anything you can change. But does FASD have to have control over ALL of you, your entire home? It's just so wrong. : (

Please take my strong tone here as only indicating how my heart is breaking for you, not any judgement for whatever you have been doing or will continue to do. But for the future, I am praying your decisions are well guided, and whatever doors need to be opened with be so quickly.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. You're an amazing mom and you and your fam are in my thoughts & prayers.

Rick and Heather said...

Praying for you and appreciate all that you write..even when it's hard to imagine..thanks for being honest to help those of us who are a few years behind on the same road so we know we are not alone.

tracy said...

Consider calling child protection, they should remove one of your children to protect all of your children.

Sadly sometimes you have to play hard ball.