Hope in Him

My emotions are all over the board lately. I go from being angry a lot of the time, to just plain old sad. Only when I remind myself that He is the one in control, the one who knows the future, that is when I can get my emotions reigned in. When I stop focusing on the chaos in our lives right now, I am able to see His purpose.

People with FASD are so confusing to those of us who consider ourselves as neuro-typical- if there is such a thing. They make no sense, absolutely no sense. That is one thing that those who live with and love these kids, have to come to grip with. And that is hard to do, even when you have realized it, you have to constantly remind yourself.

People will say to me all the time, why is it that she is fine at school, and not at home?? I don't know. I have some theories, but I don't know for sure. It is not true of all kids with FASD either, which is another reason they confuse us. I have one friend with two kids on the spectrum. One rages at school, one doesn't. In many ways, she says it is easier to have the one who rages at school, because at least people get it better. They just don't think that she must be doing something wrong at home.

Almost all kids behave the worst for their parents than for others. This is a proven fact, for typical brained kids. For our kids who were prenatally effected by alcohol, it is 1,000 times that. We all "let loose" with those we are most comfortable with. For some of us, that might mean just venting, for some of us, that means yelling and shouting. All depends on our personalities and our temperament. For many kids on the spectrum, this means yelling, and sometimes raging.

Akila had some rough behavior in the fall, but this month, has been doing fine at school. Why? I have no idea. She has always had issues at dance in the past years- in class and at the performances. She is doing super this year at dance. Why? I have no idea. The puzzle pieces are fitting together even less for Akila lately. It use to be a given, that if she went to spend time with someone for an evening, or a weekend, that if she did not know that person well, she would behave really well. Not true anymore. Ten days ago she spent the night with my friend who is a special ed teacher. She was horrible.

She was rude and out of line with the OT this month. Would have never happened a year ago, or even 6 months ago. She raged in front of the therapist and beat on me in front of her. She would have never done that in the past. Why? I have no idea. One theory I have, is that she is trying so hard to "fit in", to be "normal" in front of her peers, that she holds it together pretty well (school, dance); but when she is not in front of her peers, she is letting lose. She can't hold it together any longer.

Why is she so EXTREMELY violent lately? I have no idea. Is it hormones? Is it meds? Is it the fun changes that occur in all teenage brains, and are messing her up even more because of her brain damage?

What I do know, is that when she is home, she is hardly capable of holding it together. If she were capable, don't you think that going home from the hospital after being transported by the police there, that she would be able for an evening at least, to not attack her family members? I have told her that we are looking for a different place for her to live because of her violent behavior. When she is calm, she gets upset about this. She says she is going to stop, to change. I have explained that the next place she goes, will probably be somewhere where she goes to school and won't go to her same school. That she won't be able to go to dance. She doesn't like this idea, and says she will change. Ten minutes later, she is hitting.

Watching her dance this weekend, I was sad. I did get emotional. It hit me that this might be the last time I see her dance. I am not into dancing, it is not my thing. But it is her thing, and she really loves it. It is something she can do, and seem "normal". It was an emotional weekend that is for sure. I can't tell you how much it sunk into my brain, as we were driving home from the ER after a police transport, and she started to threaten to stab me. It was another reminder for me of how truly damaged her brain is. I am sad. I have not lost hope, as I still have the Lord and I know He is with us in this journey. I am sad, but I have hope in Him.