I was driving Akila to dance last night, and I was emotionally spent. It was day 17 of a long break. The last 4 days were rough, especially the last 2 days. I had very little sleep, was having to take baths which I hate (shower/tub had new caulking so had to use the other bathroom with just a tub), and was on and off (mostly on) hit, kicked, poked and swore at. I feel like all I did for 17 days was tell Akila that it is Imani's choice if she wants to play with Akila. Imani played a lot with Akila, more than I could. But it is never enough and it is always on Akila's terms. When Akila is off on this rant, I offer to play dolls with her, or whatever she wants. She does not want me to. This use to work, now it doesn't.
I am looking forward to getting back into a routine. We are still trying to find a routine this year with PCA support after school. I have a PCA today to take her to dance. I will start at lunch time running Zeke to dr. appt's, going to a dr. appt with Kathy, and then to a meeting tonight. After the meeting, if things are not too crazy at home, I will be getting together with Julie and Dorothy- just what I need to start off the New Year. My friend (who goes to the same church but I have not met, yet!) at Days of Wonder and Grace wrote a post that I read last night after putting the kids to bed. It helped to center my tired and hurting brain and heart. Akila was chosen for me by One who knows all, by someone who knew I needed her in my life. I am grateful to be Akila's mom.
4 comments:
You define your New Year! Praying that getting back to routine helps. {{{Hugs}}}
I'm starting over the New Year too!
Mine started out poorly because of my in-laws coming to visit--and why would you ever visit someone and then refuse to be part of their family celebrations? So we had to postpone our little party until yesterday, and I spent the real New Year's Day being cussed out and yelled at by my MIL (not in front of my husband or his dad of course, but in front of the kids)! She even subtly refused to clink my cup when we toasted the New Year at lunch. So I fully admit I was really bummed by the start of my year, and was already thinking I needed a "do over." So I loved hearing that you are doing the same!
And by the way, one of the best tools for loving my MIL this past year has been reading blogs like yours! I have learned SO MUCH from you moms about responding instead of reacting, about loving despite abuse, about focusing on God as the giver of everything we need to live through any moment with grace, about celebrating the little victories and not dwelling on the yucky.
In a similar way to what you wrote today, I believe God put me into my husband's family! And it must be in a great part to be refined myself, and to love someone who is really hard to love (to be honest). And God picked me! That is such a true honor, and I am doing my best to live up to it--and yet not claiming any small victory for me, but for Him, without whom I could not love at all!
You are the right parents for your children. God knew what He was doing when he brought you together. He loves you, He hears you, He will strengthen you when you call upon Him!
Praying you have a wonderful re-start to the New Year, and a year full of blessings!
with love from CA,
blessed
Barb,
Thanks for the link. You know: we actually have met. A long time ago I was on staff at BBC and my first job there was being Child Care Coordinator. I think I remeber your kids when they were still nursery age :). For some reason I asociate you and your husband with the nursery room dowtown down the hall from the elevator across from the choir room?? I was Carrie Reber back then.
You know, I have tried to take the approach mentioned here towards my chronic migraines (like kids with intractable medical conditions, a chronic condition I'm stuck with):
"about focusing on God as the giver of everything we need to live through any moment with grace, about celebrating the little victories and not dwelling on the yucky.
In a similar way to what you wrote today, I believe God put me into my [body]! And it must be in a great part to be refined myself, and to [trust in His reasoning]. And God picked me! That is such a true honor, and I am doing my best to live up to it--and yet not claiming any small victory for me, but for Him. God loves you, He hears you, He will strengthen you when you call upon Him!"
But to be honest, I really, really struggle with this.... I just don't know how you have the strength, you all amaze me.
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