I was driving Akila to dance last night, and I was emotionally spent. It was day 17 of a long break. The last 4 days were rough, especially the last 2 days. I had very little sleep, was having to take baths which I hate (shower/tub had new caulking so had to use the other bathroom with just a tub), and was on and off (mostly on) hit, kicked, poked and swore at. I feel like all I did for 17 days was tell Akila that it is Imani's choice if she wants to play with Akila. Imani played a lot with Akila, more than I could. But it is never enough and it is always on Akila's terms. When Akila is off on this rant, I offer to play dolls with her, or whatever she wants. She does not want me to. This use to work, now it doesn't.
I am looking forward to getting back into a routine. We are still trying to find a routine this year with PCA support after school. I have a PCA today to take her to dance. I will start at lunch time running Zeke to dr. appt's, going to a dr. appt with Kathy, and then to a meeting tonight. After the meeting, if things are not too crazy at home, I will be getting together with Julie and Dorothy- just what I need to start off the New Year. My friend (who goes to the same church but I have not met, yet!) at Days of Wonder and Grace wrote a post that I read last night after putting the kids to bed. It helped to center my tired and hurting brain and heart. Akila was chosen for me by One who knows all, by someone who knew I needed her in my life. I am grateful to be Akila's mom.