Monday, March 26, 2012

Crazy mixed emotions

I got the call almost two hours ago that Wisconsin DHS has approved Akila's placement and she is scheduled to go to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on Thursday.  This phone call came just as the furnace repair man who was doing a tune-up on our furnace came upstairs.  I got off the call, talked to the furnace guy, called Michael at work and sat down at my computer to start pounding out emails.  And then I cried.

And I cried.  And I cried some more.  Eventually I went to Target so I would stop crying.  Now I am again as I am typing (one of the things I had to buy at Target was kleenex- go figure).  Maybe I can find another errand to run.

This news comes with a totally crazy mixed bag of emotions.

  • Relief.  The past year has been horrific, and we are so in need of a change.  I know without a doubt that the other 3 kids need this badly.
  • Profound grief.  I almost think I can say that I am more sad about this loss than the loss of my parents, which rocked my world.  I think that might be because this kind of grief has more ups and downs and twists and turns and will never end.  Not that the grief of losing a parent ever ends, but you do come to terms with it at some point.  Not sure if I ever will come to terms with this loss.
  • Hope.  I believe in an awesome God and I know that He is using this pain, this loss, to exalt His name.  I know He is in this in every step, I just have to remind myself o this daily, hourly.
  • Sadness.  As much as I am relieved, I am just so sad.
  • Shock.  Even though I have been pushing for this for months, it still felt like a punch in the gut this morning.  Strange.  
  • Excitement.  This is a hard one to admit, but I am excited for spring break, for summer.  This feels icky at the same time as good.
  • Fear.  I know that an RTC placement is not what she needs.  I know she needs a group home placement.  I don't think it makes sense, and I don't look forward to the next few months and the mess that might occur.  I don't know how she will handle it.  But I know that she can't safely stay at our home any longer.  This scares the crap out of me.
  • Tired.  I am so tired, even though I am getting decent sleep lately.  Just emotionally drained.  This morning for example, Akila was quite nasty.  She only hit me a few times (only), but she was just angry, and extremely mean.  She was mean to Hezekiah, who walked to the bus stop fighting back tears.
  • Contentment.  As sad as I am, as grieving as I am, I know this is happening for a reason.  I know God has a plan.  I know He is wrapping his arms around all 6 of us and others who are impacted by this situation. I know that sadness and grief are a part of this awful purpose.  And I am content in His plan. He created our family in the most perfect way, and we live to glorify His name.  I am content in this decision, at the same time, dealing with the natural grief.
  • Gratitude.  I have had so many of you praying for us, and other people in our life.  I am so grateful for all of you and others in our life.  Words cannot express my gratitude.
There are other mixed emotions, but these are a few of them.  I think I went through 10 kleenex's while writing, and need a few more.  I am now going to get ready for the refrigerator repair man to arrive, as our frig/freezer went out yesterday.  Going to try to get rid of the crying face before he gets here, men don't always do well with emotions, especially if they don't know you!


* said...

I get it. (((hugs)))

Margie said...

Hugs and Love all around Barb! You know I am with you on a lot of this. Sad here too. Wonder if we could see her before she goes?? Have not seen her in a while!

GB's Mom said...

I am sorry you are left with no options. Praying.

Betsy said...

I am glad God opened up a placement before Spring Break, yet SO sad & crying with you. We continue to pray.

Kaytee said...

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the RTC is OK and will pray that Akila is accepted into a wonderful group home too.

I'll also pray that you and the rest of your kids and hubby have a lovely spring break. I can't think of any family who deserves it more.

dustcovered said...

Prayers are with you all Barb. God will be there when you can not and Alika is in his care. Praying that all will find the space full of restoration. Deb Kielsmeier

robyncalgary said...

I'm so happy and so sad for you in this situation, a mixed emotions comment for a mixed emotions post <3

Kari said...

Lifting you in prayer. Call if you want to talk. ♥

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your honesty. We all have those "mixed emotions" and sometimes it is hard or scary to explain them to people.
I pray for my son to be safe as he goes to Day Treatment each day, knowing that he is with others who could teach him new ways to be bad. I will pray for Akila as well. GC.

kyle hanson said...

Barb, I am amazed at your courage and strength for many reasons. To set on an unknown path is difficult, but you know that already! The world has a way of pointing us in the right direction if we listen. Peace to you and your family as you start the rebirth of spring!

Blessed said...

You are so lucid in all these feelings, Barb. May God use your honesty and vulnerability to help other Moms who are going through similar issues with their kids. I am praying for you, for you to keep on feeling God meeting you where you are.

PurlingPenny said...

It's so difficult to trust God with our kids.. not that I've ever had to face what you are. May you truly feel the support of His everlasting arms each painful step of this journey.