Crazy mixed emotions

I got the call almost two hours ago that Wisconsin DHS has approved Akila's placement and she is scheduled to go to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) on Thursday.  This phone call came just as the furnace repair man who was doing a tune-up on our furnace came upstairs.  I got off the call, talked to the furnace guy, called Michael at work and sat down at my computer to start pounding out emails.  And then I cried.

And I cried.  And I cried some more.  Eventually I went to Target so I would stop crying.  Now I am again as I am typing (one of the things I had to buy at Target was kleenex- go figure).  Maybe I can find another errand to run.

This news comes with a totally crazy mixed bag of emotions.

• Relief.  The past year has been horrific, and we are so in need of a change.  I know without a doubt that the other 3 kids need this badly.
• Profound grief.  I almost think I can say that I am more sad about this loss than the loss of my parents, which rocked my world.  I think that might be because this kind of grief has more ups and downs and twists and turns and will never end.  Not that the grief of losing a parent ever ends, but you do come to terms with it at some point.  Not sure if I ever will come to terms with this loss.
• Hope.  I believe in an awesome God and I know that He is using this pain, this loss, to exalt His name.  I know He is in this in every step, I just have to remind myself o this daily, hourly.
• Sadness.  As much as I am relieved, I am just so sad.
• Shock.  Even though I have been pushing for this for months, it still felt like a punch in the gut this morning.  Strange.  
• Excitement.  This is a hard one to admit, but I am excited for spring break, for summer.  This feels icky at the same time as good.
• Fear.  I know that an RTC placement is not what she needs.  I know she needs a group home placement.  I don't think it makes sense, and I don't look forward to the next few months and the mess that might occur.  I don't know how she will handle it.  But I know that she can't safely stay at our home any longer.  This scares the crap out of me.
• Tired.  I am so tired, even though I am getting decent sleep lately.  Just emotionally drained.  This morning for example, Akila was quite nasty.  She only hit me a few times (only), but she was just angry, and extremely mean.  She was mean to Hezekiah, who walked to the bus stop fighting back tears.
• Contentment.  As sad as I am, as grieving as I am, I know this is happening for a reason.  I know God has a plan.  I know He is wrapping his arms around all 6 of us and others who are impacted by this situation. I know that sadness and grief are a part of this awful purpose.  And I am content in His plan. He created our family in the most perfect way, and we live to glorify His name.  I am content in this decision, at the same time, dealing with the natural grief.
• Gratitude.  I have had so many of you praying for us, and other people in our life.  I am so grateful for all of you and others in our life.  Words cannot express my gratitude.

There are other mixed emotions, but these are a few of them.  I think I went through 10 kleenex's while writing, and need a few more.  I am now going to get ready for the refrigerator repair man to arrive, as our frig/freezer went out yesterday.  Going to try to get rid of the crying face before he gets here, men don't always do well with emotions, especially if they don't know you!